Honestly speaking, this is far too personal for a blog. However, I needed to write this down to remind me of this occasion’s permanence; I needed this as a marker.

So this is how “breaking up” feels like, finally. No more pendulum-like swings, no more happiness and despondency gaining up on each other rapidly. When he called up to say that his feelings for me have disappeared completely, I heard my own calm voice telling him, it is okay, such things happen, even though my insides cleaved. This past week has been horrible; not knowing what will happen always stresses me out. So last night, all that came crashing down into one swift conclusion. (Thank you D. for seeing me through it.) Did I see it coming? Yes. Was I prepared? Not even a bit. He said: I will always be there when you need my help. Will I ever ask for help again?

There’s no bitterness, none whatsoever. Just a few haunting memories and a bit of incomprehension. I still don’t know why or how this happened, and perhaps for my own good, never will. And in time, I will know what it feels like to fall out of love myself.

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside,
when she came in totally naked.
They had been drinking: they began to spit.
Newly come from the river, she knew nothing.
She was a mermaid who had lost her way.
The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh.
Obscenities drowned her golden breasts.
Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears.
Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes.
They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs,
and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor.
She did not speak because she had no speech.
Her eyes were the colour of distant love,
her twin arms were made of white topaz.
Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light,
and suddenly she went out by that door.
Entering the river she was cleaned,
shining like a white stone in the rain,
and without looking back she swam again
swam towards emptiness, swam towards death.

-Pablo Neruda

The Keeper of the Stars needed a bit of security in her life, like most other people. Instead, all that is left today is a deep instability. SNAP OUT OF IT, SNAP SNAP SNAP OUT OF IT I must.

Um, my photoshop license expires within a week. And a term paper is due. That obviously explains the paintingoverdrive.

:)

A few words of comfort.

While still in Loreto, during a Teacher's Day assembly, a gentleman, in all probability a 'Father', came to our school to talk about certain things. He stepped onto the stage and asked us, "Could anyone try and expand this abbreviation I.A.L.A.C.?" One of my most favourite teachers, DB, answered: 'I am loving and caring.' He smiled and said, "Of course. But what I had in mind was different: I am lovable and capable. You must always remember this."

It has been five years or more, yet, even today, I fall back on IALAC time and again. There are people who think no end of themselves, and there are some who are forever underrated and underestimated, not by others, but by themselves. Then, these are magic words that could soothe you. Believe in yourself and believe in your self-worth. No matter what anyone else thinks, you too are lovable and capable.